November 17th, 2008 by McKenzie

Ok so yesterday was 60 days for me.  Sober from Alcohol, Drugs, Sugar, Caffiene and my eating disorder but it seems like it has gotten tougher.  I was having a great day and then wham crap hit me out of nowhere.  Walking in the mall and at Sears I started missing my mother.  For those of you who don’t know, my mother passed away a year ago which is part of what pushed me to my bottom.  At any rate, I think I was missing her but not really dealing with the feelings and after hitting a meeting and getting my 60 day coin, I got home and found myself restless, irritable and discontent.  What a pain in the ass.  I thought it was supposed to get easier, but it gets tougher.  I guess I needed to cry about my mom, about no having her around, but instead I wanted to pick a fight with my boyfriend, or drink or eat, or compulsively exercise.  Anything to not deal with my feelings, anything to not feel them.  you know what I mean? 

So there I was, in this misery and in these feelings and I started crying.  I got in the bathtub and cried my eyes out and the voices kept getting louder and louder.  you know, those voices that tell you that you aren’t good enough, or pretty enough and that recovery won’t work.  That is the voice of the disease.   That is the voice of addiction.  This is what addiction is.  Alcohol, drugs, food and sugar all that are just symptoms of the disease and it was trying desperately to get to me last night.  It was not at all happy for me or my 60 days of recovery.  He wants to live and breathe.  He wants to get the best of me and it is me against him.  Some folks call their disease ED - those people who have eating disorders.  Then there is me, I have an eating disorder and alcoholism and Codependancy.  What the heck am I gonna call my disease.  Well I guess I could call him.  I could call him My CoEd Al.  That is my disease.  Al, the coed.  And he was coming on loud and strong last night.  It was scary and frightening.  But I cried, i felt my feelings.  And I prayed to my higher power for strenght and i made ammends to my boyfriend and I went to sleep.  I didn’t use, I felt instead so I am still ok and it is still a struggle but I will be ok.  I just know it.

Thought for the Day: “What I think is what I will become so I will think the best about myself”