November 17th, 2008 by McKenzie

Ok so yesterday was 60 days for me.  Sober from Alcohol, Drugs, Sugar, Caffiene and my eating disorder but it seems like it has gotten tougher.  I was having a great day and then wham crap hit me out of nowhere.  Walking in the mall and at Sears I started missing my mother.  For those of you who don’t know, my mother passed away a year ago which is part of what pushed me to my bottom.  At any rate, I think I was missing her but not really dealing with the feelings and after hitting a meeting and getting my 60 day coin, I got home and found myself restless, irritable and discontent.  What a pain in the ass.  I thought it was supposed to get easier, but it gets tougher.  I guess I needed to cry about my mom, about no having her around, but instead I wanted to pick a fight with my boyfriend, or drink or eat, or compulsively exercise.  Anything to not deal with my feelings, anything to not feel them.  you know what I mean? 

So there I was, in this misery and in these feelings and I started crying.  I got in the bathtub and cried my eyes out and the voices kept getting louder and louder.  you know, those voices that tell you that you aren’t good enough, or pretty enough and that recovery won’t work.  That is the voice of the disease.   That is the voice of addiction.  This is what addiction is.  Alcohol, drugs, food and sugar all that are just symptoms of the disease and it was trying desperately to get to me last night.  It was not at all happy for me or my 60 days of recovery.  He wants to live and breathe.  He wants to get the best of me and it is me against him.  Some folks call their disease ED - those people who have eating disorders.  Then there is me, I have an eating disorder and alcoholism and Codependancy.  What the heck am I gonna call my disease.  Well I guess I could call him.  I could call him My CoEd Al.  That is my disease.  Al, the coed.  And he was coming on loud and strong last night.  It was scary and frightening.  But I cried, i felt my feelings.  And I prayed to my higher power for strenght and i made ammends to my boyfriend and I went to sleep.  I didn’t use, I felt instead so I am still ok and it is still a struggle but I will be ok.  I just know it.

Thought for the Day: “What I think is what I will become so I will think the best about myself”

November 14th, 2008 by McKenzie

Here is an interesting article on the best way to select an addiction treatment or alcohol treatment center.  This article discusses that best is truly subjective and that of course the only way to really determine if a treatment center is successful is whether or not the addict has achieved sobriety.  It also goes on to discuss that treatment is a very personal issue and that while one place may work for several people, it doesnt’ necessarily mean that it will work for all people, nor is it the best. 

November 13th, 2008 by McKenzie

Why is it that no matter what goes on during the day or what goes on with regards to other people I somehow feel that it has to do with me?  I mean seriously!  Not every single thing that happens in the universe relates to me, not even in the tiniest fashion but yet, somehow I can get stuck in that thought pattern and bam, a bad day.   Well welcome to the world of recovery and the world of self centered narcisism.  Ha! Ha ha.  Great, thanks universe, I must have missed the line that we stood in to be given the brains that worked right. 

Seriously though, I have learned through various methods that most people are conditioned or even have a genetic predisposition to having trouble dealing with our feelings, and doing things that are not necessarily the most healthy to avoid them.  We have all picked up a drink, or shopped, or went out on that bad date, or even ate too much so we could have fun and feel good.  Now, when this goes on for an extended amount of time, well that is where we run into problems.  We actually train ourselves to stop feeling, instead it becomes a compulsion to actually engage in the behavior that brings us away from the feeling and suddenly we no longer know our feelings.   Sometimes when we continue to engage in that behavior in spite of negative consquences such as losing a job, loved ones, injury to our bodies, we can become addicted and our lives can become quite unmanageable.

I am a self professed feeling averse person who is in recovery.  I have done lots of things to avoid dealing with my feelings and have also climbed out of a black hole and have reinvented my life in some fashion but I still, every now and then, I have some bad days. I feel off somehow, anxious or icky as I call it, not quite sure what I am feeling.  I begin to believe I am the one who has caused other people’s misery.  yes, me, I am the culprit!  But then I can sit and get quiet, either doing meditation or yoga and begin to realize that the world is large and everyone is just doing their best.  They have good days and bad days as well and they also have their own set of issues.  They do in fact, have a life outside of me.  When this realization hits, I slowly begin to realize that the feelings are fear based. That I just don’t want to risk losing someone in my life again.  I want things to stay the same and not change, no more losses, but that isn’t the way life works.  Life is constant change. 

So I have learned to sit and be still and to put my trust in a higher power.  To rest on the knowledge that no matter what happens, I will be ok, simply because I am.  Someone once told me to have faith; that everything would work out OK.  Now, that is a classic line, and OK is very subjective.  What is OK to me would be to have just what I want to happen and most of the time, that isn’t the case.  Therefore I choose to believe that faith is knowing that I will be OK no matter what happens, because I am a precious child of the universe, just like you.  So we will be OK, we will make it through, and on those bad days, call a friend and look up in the sky and know that those feelings shall pass and they won’t kill you. You can read about my experience with recovery from an eating disorder, food and alcohol addiction as well as The Shades of Hope Addiction Treatment Center.